Last night home before hitting the road again, just as we start to cross-blog in epic fashion. Ah well, them's the breaks.
Hrm. Standard stuff. Current music- Tears for Fears, Shout. "In violent times, you shouldn't have to sell your soul. Those one-track minds that took you for a broken whore, kiss them goodbye. You shouldn't have to jump for joy."
I'll dedicate this one to Miss Philomel, the sweet... er... evil... angel of Toronto, whom I'm committed to writing some fanfic about.
Well Dave, I'm kind of groping around for a message here. There's something newer, more meaningful in the back of my head than this 'rah-rah' stuff I've been doing, and if I keep nagging around at it, it'll crystalize and present itself to me. It's something I understand at a gut level, but haven't found the means to articulate just yet. So I really owe you one for giving me a forum by which to think out loud, as it were, and get feedback to improve my understanding of the nature of things.
Which brings me to the topic at hand.
Sarah... thank you for your discourse on the topic. I'm actually dealing with a bit of trepidation, because I'm not sure I can properly articulate what I'm trying to say. Your command of the language is better than mine at a fundamental level. But I'll step up and take my swing at it, and we'll see what we can come up with.
I have alternately been accused of supreme modesty and supreme arrogance. Modesty, because I can admit that I'm just another speck in the universe. Modesty because I can readily admit that any given thing that I do, I can give the name of somebody who does it better than me, often so much better that they make my skill in that area look like childish play. Modesty because I'll readily admit that I'm not anywhere near halfway down the road of life that I'm following, that I'll die before hitting that mark of being a fully-realized human that I aspire to.
Supreme arrogance, because I believe that I can find my way through any situation I'm placed in, that if I can't win one way I'll find another way, and keep at it until I get through to the other end. Arrogance because while I'll readily admit that somebody might be better at a few things than me, I don't recognize any human as my worthy superior, no matter how much I might admire them. Arrogance, because yes, I do have the nasty habit of occasionally stepping on those around me. The last, especially, is one of those things I talk about working on getting better at. I've spent a good deal of my life living and working alone, and even in crowds of people I'm typically a solitary unit. This has given an inward direction to my thinking, and had some seriously detrimental effects on my social skills.
I'll also admit that in part, I adopted the banner of arrogance as a virtue in my youth as another rebellion against what you so aptly termed 'wholesale cultural whining.' Toss in a hearty dash of the prevalent 'bend your knee before the Lord' attitude here in the bible belt, something that offends me to no end, and perhaps one can become a bit extremist on the matter.
The area where I will contend heartily with you though... taking this state of... supreme confidence? Taking this state does not steer you away from glorying in others. I regularly exalt the accomplishments and good natures of my friends. We all know just how hard it is to be a good, competent person in this world, with all the easier routes available, all the times you fall down and that thought nags at you... how easy it would be to just stay down there...
Every good person is a miracle, a treasure beyond price. To dive into your reference to Rand and objectivism, consider the relationship between Roark and Wynand, Roark's joy at finding a peer, an equal match.
The show's no good if you're not getting to share it. Companions, the creator seeks, blah blah blah.
That point is where I think Rand fell down, in all honesty. She had a vast intellectual gulf between her and the regular human being, and that's the sort of thing that can totally bury a person if they dwell on it too much. The story you told of your great uncle Howard is the best example of why everyone should maintain their perspective and not become too overly impressed with themselves. Because there is always wisdom to be found, and if you stand above the 'herd' and sneer down upon them, you'll miss out on it.
Which is why the common refrain of 'people suck' tends to bother me, along with intellectual elitism in general.
Now to close my comments on this topic on the more personal note. First, thanks for not pulling punches. If I'm going to stand here and talk it, then I damn well better be able to take it. If a shot hurts, it only does because it lands close to home. Sure, the royal me is great, or that damn good, as I like to think of it. But the royal me is never anything more than one fragment of the greater whole, and the royal me readily admits to peers and equals. (After studious study and consideration, or a good gut hunch.) And if the royal me is that damn good, why would the royal me not be fascinated by those considered to be peers? If the royal me so loves itself, how could the royal me not love those it feels are equally virtuous? Even though we all ultimately walk alone, we can get glimpses into the glories contained in each other. And if we can honestly admit that others are better at various crafts than we are, then we can rejoice in seeing the fruits of their labors. For example, I think that both you and Wulf are better writers than I am, and that gives me a great deal of happiness. When Wulf got his first place in the LRH contest, that was almost better than if I'd gotten it. Because I could be happy for how happy he was, and happy for knowing him.
Now, to return to the favor. Sarah, you have a great deal of admirable confidence in your skills, though not so much as some of your talents and personal characteristics merit, IMO.
What I see is a horrible lack of confidence in yourself as a person. You hold yourself to an entirely impossible standard of perfection, something I can readily relate to from my gloomier days. Because nobody can live up to the standard you set for yourself, you tend to yo-yo it right back down to the bottom. If you can't match that standard of perfection, it seems as though you listen to the dark whispers that tell you you're an utter failure. Not just flawed, but abysmal, practically beyond redemption. This renders all compliments and concern meaningless, because no one else can understand how badly you feel that you fail to live up to your own standards.
Which is why it hurts like hell to see you beat yourself up. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm projecting my old demons on to you, but goddamn, lady, I know just how miserable a rut that can be to get into. The ghosts still haunt me, and I have failures for which I've never forgiven myself, no matter the fact that I'm human, anybody can fuck it up... and even with one particular circumstance where I damn well know I took the only available option in a bad situation, the option I'd take again today, I still dwell on it some nights because by god if I am that damn good, I should have had a perfect solution. Because I'm here to take the flak, talk the talk and walk the walk, play the sheep dog and take care of mi familia. Whatever else I do in life is either for fun or paying the bills.
Whooo... big shock to everyone, I do get wound up on occasion. Anyway, moving on to the college topic. I don't attack education as a principle. I don't attack educators who are competent and dedicated to their craft. As someone who naturally tends to fall into a mentoring role, I respect the great people, both professionally and privately, who contributed so much to what my life has become.
People are great. Institutions decay. Things should not be taken on faith. If the Ivory Towers were simply sitting to one side and simply engaging in the free discourse of ideas, innovating and improving... cool with me. But they are deeply intertwined with our culture. The degree is regarded as the demarcation between the educated and the uneducated, the colleges are constantly involved in various forms in politics, and a good deal of public money is flowing through what is a rotten system in so many universities.
That makes it our business. If they are going to take our money, which is our labor, which is our life, then we damn well have a vested interest in their performance. If a structure is rotten, it needs to be rebuilt or torn down before it becomes a menace to the public at large.
Any part of society should be held accountable for itself. There are no sacred cows in public life.
With my warm regards to all, and the hope of many more good conversations upon my return.
"Most days, I'm just me. But that's pretty damn cool."
Edit: Eeee... my grammar and writing processers were not running smoothly tonight. I think I've cleaned up most of the mess, but my apologies for any grotesque errors ya'll happen to notice.
